I wrote this blog post about two months ago when I was coming out of a very hard time. My marriage was struggling. I was feeling depressed and anxious. I was conflicted with my faith. I knew God had big things planned for me but honestly I was afraid to trust him and follow. It was not soon after this that I decided to change the mission of BrickHouse Bodies and recommit to God. I thought it would be timely to post it today the day before Thanksgiving. I wish you all a holiday filled with family, gratitude and love.
Last night I could not sleep. My husband and I went to bed after I had said some not so nice things. Honestly I have been saying some not so nice things for a while. At 3:50am I woke up and could not fall back asleep. So I opened up the book that I had been reading for the last few days Unglued by Lysa Terkurest. I decided to begin reading it because much like the title I have been feeling pretty unglued as of late, out of sorts, not myself. I have been feeling this barely controllable panic that was threatening to rear its ugly head at any moment. I felt like I was losing it.
Lysa’s book Made to Crave had started me on my path to healing my addiction to food so I figured why not try her again. Honestly I was drowning and needed something, anything to help.
In her book she spoke about two things that really struck me and gave me a little perspective on my troubles. One was gratitude. She said something that I had heard before but never with her spin. If you have gratitude you cannot have attitude. Simple right? The other was perspective. She found that she had the hardest time controlling her emotions when she made her problems so much bigger than they were, she lost perspective and then began the tumble into being unglued by emotion.
Reading that shocked me, made me cry. I much like Lysa had been obsessing over “first world problems” in my case money issues. Yes money is important and necessary but I was worried about not having a large amount of it to do what I wanted, not necessarily what was Gods best for me or my family.
That is the thing about perspective and gratitude if you constantly concern yourself with your own plight it is hard to see the plight of those around you and ultimately be grateful for what you have. Unfortunately I am pretty hard headed and God sometimes needs to hit me over the head with something for me to finally realize his message. The book I was reading was not the first message of gratitude I had had in the last 24 hours.
At church we had a visiting ministry called Team Challenge (www.teamchallenge.org) as guests. It is a ministry for men that offers them hope out of addiction of all kinds. They do not use a traditional recovery program but teach the discipline of God and his word to help the men with their addictions. Here men gave their testimony and their choir sang. I sobbed throughout the entire service. Here were these men who had destroyed their lives through poor choices and addictions and now they stood before a group of people and praised God for changing their lives. These men lost jobs, homes, children and wives. They were living away from those that they loved. Some had no family at all. It hit me smack in the face. Yes my life was not perfect, and yes my concerns mattered to God but I needed to have gratitude for all that I did have. I wake up each morning, I have a healthy daughter, a husband who loves me besides all my faults, a roof over my head and good food to eat. I am truly blessed. I realize that I had allowed MY desires to make me forget Gods blessings. I had spent the last 6 weeks having a pity party and I was the guest of honor. I had felt sorry for myself and forgotten Gods promises to provide all I needed, not all I wanted. I was convicted and it hurt. I am so thankful for his grace, for his patience. I pray that I can continue to grow in my relationship with him.
As I sit here writing this I feel the first sense of calm I have felt in almost 2 months. I may be exhausted but I am happy and I am blessed.
I have the right to do anything you say – but not everything is beneficial. I have the right to do anything – but I will not be mastered by anything.