The struggle is real: Confessions of a control freak learning to let go

Time to come clean. I have been struggling. My entire life I have been decisive. I have been known for it. I can quickly evaluate a situation, weigh the pros and cons and come to a decision. I pride myself in listening to my “gut” when all else fails. My decisions are final and I shared them on a need to know basis only. I consulted no one just ME, MYSELF and I. It’s just easier that way.

This has served me well for the past 44 years (for the most part) I have been blessed with a great career in corporate America. I built my training business from nothing and created Brick House Bodies. But now I find myself at a crossroads. Since growing closer to God I have made a conscience effort to delay decision. To pray about things before I decided what to do. To consult with God before I steam roll through my life. To surrender. This is where my struggles have started. Along with my decisiveness comes a healthy dose of impatience and a good serving of perfectionism and pride. Traits that do not go well with surrender. As I began to slow down and let go and let God lead my life I have become impatient. God always promises the best for me but it is on his time line, not mine. That’s hard. Being a perfectionist and striver (some call it hustler) by nature it is very hard for me to wait on and defer to Him(there is that pride). To look around and watch others be blessed and feel like I have no idea what to do with my life. So I have done nothing. I am paralyzed, unable to move forward and make a decision. I have replaced my “hustle” and with fear. Fear that I will make not make the choice that God wants for me. Fear that the choice I make needs to be right because if its not it will put my family in a tight financial situation. Fear that my decision will cause me a loss in popularity and friends (that pride again). I feel like I have been self indulgent this past year. Staying home and not having a “real job” when my family needs it most.

Through all of this I have been given more opportunities than ever! So that just makes this indecision worse.

What path do I take? What do I focus on? What do I do next? All these questions run through my head ALL THE TIME.

So what is the solution? How am I going to find my way out of this place?

Freely you have received; freely give Matthew 10:8

God keeps his promise and he will not allow you to be tested beyond your power to remain firm; at the time you are put to the test he will give you the strength to endure it, and so provide you with a way out 1 Corinthians 10:13

What do I think these scriptures are telling me? Stay the course. Stay strong in my faith. Live my life with the filter of loving Jesus and loving others and he will make clear my way. Instead of telling myself I am surrendering but still looking for ways to strive and prove my worth I must remember that because of grace there is no need. Maybe I feel so out of sorts and stuck because I have a hard time accepting that grace. Believing that there is not one thing I have to do to earn it. It’s relieving when you think about it, to start at a place of enough. Freeing to know that I don’t have to prove anything. As long as I love God and love others I am on plan.

But I am still struggling. All of that grace is scary especially if I had nothing to do with it. So what am I going to do? Fake it till I make it. Pray daily. Read my word and focus on loving God and loving others. Have faith that He will make his way apparent. Surrender.