The conversation almost always starts the same way. It most often takes place at the end of the day, when I am tired and I have done something silly like forget to bring my daughter to gymnastics or realized that I have only shaved one leg in the shower that morning.
"I have to get it together"
Six words that hold so much power. The power to condemn. The power to feel defeated and less than. Not one little bit of grace at all. These six words have decided that I am a mess and I need to fix it and fix it now. I need to write stuff down, pay attention, drink more coffee, do something to avoid these mess ups from happening again. Mess ups are not acceptable or allowed. In my world mess ups are a loss of control and a loss of control is a scary thing.
So I search for something I can control. For me that thing has always been my food and exercise. If I was a hot mess of a mom well I can at least be a fit hot mess of a mom. I will just focus harder on my nutrition. Make sure I get to the gym and give it 150%. I will focus more, be better and get it together. Then everything will be ok.
The problem with this is that I am human. I was created flawed (no matter how much I deny and fight this its true). Perfection is impossible. I will always mess up. The circumstances and degrees of the mess ups will change but no matter how hard I try, how tight I hold on, how much MORE I do it will NEVER be perfect.
The definition of grace is "unmerited favor" and for me it is the answer to the whirlwind that is created when I try to "get it together". I am learning to laugh at my life, mess ups and all. To take the good with the bad and to just give myself a break. I remember that I am ok, no matter what and already forgiven. The mess ups will not define me. I am loved right now, with all my forgotten appointments and extra slices of pizza. I rest in who I am, and who loves me. God quietly reminds me that HE HAS GOT IT and I dont need to keep all the balls of my life in the air. I realize that exercising and dieting harder will not get me closer to peace, only opening my grip and allowing Him to work in my life will.
As I learn to let go of food and exercise as a way to feel in control I am developing a new relationship with food. It has taken me years and I still have times I struggle. I know that this is the root of so many womens struggle.
I have been reading the book Full by Asheritah Ciuciu and in it she ask some really powerful questions, a big one being :
What does your ideal relationship with food look like?
How would you eat?
What would you feel?
How would you act?
I would love to hear your thoughts on these questions I encourage you to comment below and if you would like to join me in readying Full over the next two weeks you can email me:
As always I am praying for each of you